I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
