I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
