Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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