I didn't shave. On purpose
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
