remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
