I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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