Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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