Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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