i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
