A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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