I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
