I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
