I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
