Do you still have your period?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize