I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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