people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
