Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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