can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
