I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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