she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
