so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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