I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
