When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
