My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
