i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
