I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
