Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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