i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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