It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
