dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Randomize
