Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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