Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Is it penis luge time yet?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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