she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize