he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
