people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
