he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
