Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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