I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
