I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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