and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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