Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize