I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
