Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Houston, we have a squirter
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
