you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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