I accidentally had phone sex last night
North Korea, Best Korea!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
