closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
