shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
