I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
