I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
