Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize