Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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