I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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