2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
