Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
