i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
