Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He shit in the fireplace
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
