wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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