That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
a search helicopter?!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
