cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
