let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
