She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
