I've blown a few things in my day
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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